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Hello Darkness~
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Re: Hello Darkness~
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Marsh of Sleep
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: 504
Jul 21 14 5:57 AM
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Hey Philosopher, I tried my best to get some formatting in there. For whatever reason, when you copy/pasted it turned EVERY piece of formatting into a weird [highlight][/highlight] command. I just kind of guessed which ones were paragraph breaks and which were italics (if there were any italics at all, actually I HAVE NO IDEA, OMG maybe they were -all- line breaks ja;slfdkhafg;h), so hopefully it looks close to what it used to be! You
should
be able to edit the post again to make any additional changes. Also I got rid of your section breaks by putting a few underscores. It's cleaner that way.
As for the fic itself I have a few thoughts:
You have some really nice lines in here that are great with descriptions!
I feel that other sentences could be reworded or simplified, or just mixed up a little-- some paragraphs have a lot of consecutive sentences that start with 'He, Him, She, Soul, Maka' etc etc, and you want break up that pattern so it doesn't become repetitive in the reader's head. Just some practice!
I also feel that the effort you made to make Soul's inner thoughts (particularly in the second to last section, where they first meet) was kind of wasted. You could easily just place those thoughts in the story without all the quotes, as you can tell by the writing whose point of view it is, and that they are personal thoughts. As defined as they are now, it's a little distracting and makes the flow a bit choppy.
Good job on completion! Don't stop writing!
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